9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
