It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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