I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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