Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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