saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
