just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
