i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
