it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
