I cannot find my penis.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
