I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
