$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
