Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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