Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
