I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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