ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
