I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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