wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
