Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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