Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
