I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
