Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize