Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
