The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
