My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Floor bacon is actually really good
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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