my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize