He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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