I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize