tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
