i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
