new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize