Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
