i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize