Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
