we're making bets on your personal life
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
