I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Slut skills are useful in every country.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
