cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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