if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think my moral compass just broke
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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