Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
