you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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