Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
