you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
