i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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