youre lurking in front of me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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