I accidentally burped into my bong.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
