Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize