My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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