she takes plan B like it's going out of style
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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