I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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