dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
BRING THE BAGELS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
