hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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