Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
