Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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