girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
