oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
operation have a gay friend backfired
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
