That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
