Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
