why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
