This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
