Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
