My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
