I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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