That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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