He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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