ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
