the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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