woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
