yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
