For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
