just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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